1 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:17,040 All thanks to you, these things I do, 2 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:21,900 because of you, 3 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:26,160 because of you. 4 00:00:39,470 --> 00:00:41,370 I've never been to a cremation before. 5 00:00:42,450 --> 00:00:43,450 Have you? 6 00:00:43,870 --> 00:00:46,470 No. I wonder what they do. 7 00:00:47,230 --> 00:00:48,750 Well, they burn them, don't they? 8 00:00:50,910 --> 00:00:53,750 Well, I prefer to be buried myself. 9 00:00:54,510 --> 00:00:56,170 You know where you are, then. 10 00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,610 Well, other people would at least. 11 00:01:02,290 --> 00:01:03,290 Ta -da! 12 00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:06,030 Anything in the pot? 13 00:01:07,790 --> 00:01:09,570 Well, I expect you're wondering where I've been. 14 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:13,550 The thought had crossed our minds. For the last six weeks. 15 00:01:14,050 --> 00:01:16,270 Did you find Julie or not? 16 00:01:16,590 --> 00:01:20,430 Yes, but it didn't work out. So I went to... I went to Cairo. 17 00:01:21,270 --> 00:01:22,370 What are you doing in black? 18 00:01:22,690 --> 00:01:24,510 We're going to a funeral. 19 00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:27,770 Yes. Come on, or we'll be late. 20 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,130 Whose funeral? 21 00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:32,150 Lionel's. 22 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,200 How are you? 23 00:02:57,870 --> 00:02:59,230 Bainbridge is no more. 24 00:02:59,890 --> 00:03:04,890 I, the salamander general of his lodge by his express mandate, am going to say 25 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:07,650 few words about him. Very few words. 26 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:12,910 It would take more than a few words to say what Lionel Bainbridge was. 27 00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:15,530 He was a man for all seasons. 28 00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:23,390 To his wife, Veronica, he was a loving, devoted, ever cheerful companion. 29 00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:29,630 Leslie, he was almost a magical figure. Wise, kind, but firm. 30 00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:32,950 Someone she could model herself on. 31 00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:40,550 Who his workmate, and I use the word mate deliberately, for Lionel never set 32 00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:41,670 himself above others. 33 00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:47,210 A pickwickian figure to whom they could always turn in moments of trouble. Door 34 00:03:47,210 --> 00:03:49,950 ever open for a quiet chat. 35 00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:56,210 I don't know if any employee of Lionel's ever left his office without feeling 36 00:03:56,210 --> 00:03:58,890 warmed and cured. 37 00:03:59,470 --> 00:04:05,170 The circles his pebble made in the waters of life reached out even to the 38 00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:06,610 families of his employees. 39 00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:13,650 You know, I believe they may have called him Uncle Lionel. 40 00:04:15,750 --> 00:04:19,470 Dr. Park has lost one of her favorite sons. 41 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,320 will mourn his passing. 42 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:32,420 And may I will end this little tribute to Lionel by quoting a saying we have at 43 00:04:32,420 --> 00:04:33,079 the lodge. 44 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,180 He is gone, but he isn't. 45 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,740 He left us, but he didn't. 46 00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:42,400 He'd have come back, but he couldn't. 47 00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:50,950 And finally, and this was an express wish of Lionel's, Confided to me over a 48 00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:54,010 martini... over a... I'm so cheery. 49 00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:59,590 Will you please join me in a song that was very dear to our land? 50 00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:09,230 When father painted the pie You couldn't see 51 00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:15,270 father paint Slapping his tears, slapping... 52 00:05:47,490 --> 00:05:48,850 Hello, Veronica. 53 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,870 Hello, Jack. Hello. 54 00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:54,720 I am very sorry. 55 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,800 Thank you. 56 00:05:57,540 --> 00:05:59,340 You'll come back to the house, won't you? 57 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,200 Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to. 58 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:07,420 Excuse 59 00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:14,320 me, 60 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,840 sir. Yeah? I don't wish to seem indelicate, but were you singing when 61 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,220 Piper'd the parlour in there? 62 00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:21,660 Yeah. 63 00:06:21,889 --> 00:06:23,090 Adagio Funeroso. 64 00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:25,770 What was that? 65 00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:27,210 He was a painter. 66 00:06:27,590 --> 00:06:29,170 Oh, very apt. 67 00:06:29,730 --> 00:06:31,670 I don't want him to in our go. 68 00:06:32,370 --> 00:06:33,970 Well, I could have. 69 00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:36,290 Happy days are here again. 70 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,140 Yeah, just making some coffee. Do you want one? I'd love one. 71 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,340 Gordon, you couldn't have known about all this. 72 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,120 No, well, I only got back today. 73 00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:10,140 Where have you been all this time? 74 00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:12,940 Cairo. What were you doing in Cairo? 75 00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:14,340 Oh, it's a long story. 76 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:15,960 I'll tell you about it one day. 77 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,360 I thought the ceremony went off very nicely. 78 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:22,400 Well, it went off. 79 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:29,780 I thought the Salamander General's little tribute was very... was very... 80 00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:30,920 Inventive? 81 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,880 Yeah, it was a bit, wasn't it? 82 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:37,760 Let's face it, he wasn't describing the Lionel we all knew, was he? I thought 83 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,180 I'd come to the wrong place for a moment. 84 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,780 Still, who'd want someone to get up at a time like that and tell the truth about 85 00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,280 you? Well, I certainly wouldn't. 86 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,960 How did he... Die? 87 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,280 Yeah. 88 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,040 At the lodge? 89 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,340 Hart? No, beer, I suspect. 90 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,440 They were doing one of their so -called ceremonies, apparently. 91 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,520 Not the one on the window ledge. 92 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,480 You got it. 93 00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:04,580 Lost his balance. 94 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,640 He didn't have his trousers round his ankles, did he? 95 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,520 Yes. 96 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:14,520 I have to say, it wasn't the most dignified way to go, was it? 97 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,740 But Lionel and Dignity never really walked arm in arm. 98 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,220 Of course, they had to have an inquest. 99 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,040 Oh, well, that's probably because of the slightly unusual circumstances, 100 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:27,300 presumably. 101 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,420 I did feel a fool in that coroner's court. 102 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,320 I mean, it was my husband. 103 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:37,659 And there they were, asking questions about what he was doing on the window 104 00:08:37,659 --> 00:08:42,780 ledge in the first place, why his trousers were round his ankles, why he 105 00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:44,020 clutching a tin tray. 106 00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:48,220 Oh, they banged themselves on the head with that. Yeah, that emerged. 107 00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:52,060 Of course, the whole thing was made more ridiculous by the... 108 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,300 salamander general having to answer certain questions. 109 00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:57,620 Well, didn't he claim diplomatic immunity? 110 00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,420 Something like that, yeah. 111 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,040 Till they threatened him with prison. 112 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,500 They should have threatened to burn him. He'd have been all right then. What 113 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:05,800 with being a salamander and all that. 114 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:07,900 I mean, not a fool. 115 00:09:08,820 --> 00:09:12,180 Have the police insisted that they install a permanent safety net? 116 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,960 No, they've reached a compromise. 117 00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:17,540 They can still do the window ledge thing, but it has to be from the ground 118 00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:18,540 floor. 119 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,320 So if anybody comes a cropper, they fall straight into the daffodils, eh? 120 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:27,160 I don't know. 121 00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,260 Lionel would have to go like that, wouldn't he? 122 00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:33,280 Perhaps he would have wanted it, eh? 123 00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,580 I've got a horrible feeling he would. 124 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,520 Anyway, better get this in. 125 00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:44,420 Yeah. 126 00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:58,070 We want to talk to you. 127 00:09:58,090 --> 00:09:59,890 I'll see you later. Where are you going? 128 00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:01,810 Runnymede. 129 00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:10,810 All right. Where is he? 130 00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:12,550 He's gone to Runnymede. 131 00:10:16,770 --> 00:10:19,390 Don't you dare try to creep up those stairs. 132 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,370 I was not trying to creep up any stairs. 133 00:10:22,910 --> 00:10:23,970 Any tea in the pot? 134 00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:25,250 No. Right. 135 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,020 We've waited up for you. 136 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,720 But why don't you just adopt me and be done with it? 137 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,820 Oh, I could slap you round the ear up sometime. 138 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,320 Oh, that's a lovely welcome home, that is. 139 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,140 All right, why all the hostility? 140 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,160 Well, let me refresh your memory, in case you've forgotten. 141 00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:42,820 Six weeks ago... Six weeks? 142 00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:48,180 You tore off, saying the only thing you wanted out of life was Julie. And we 143 00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:50,020 haven't heard a blind word from you since. 144 00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:51,460 So what happened? 145 00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:52,960 You found her, right? 146 00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:54,920 Yes, but she's married. 147 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,780 Oh, dear, that's bad luck. I'm sorry, Jacko. 148 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,120 Thank you, Eric. 149 00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:02,380 Yes, well, I'm sorry too. 150 00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:03,940 Thank you, James. 151 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:09,000 How come Julie was living in Cairo? She wasn't. She lives on the Isle of Wight. 152 00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:12,240 So how come Cairo? 153 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,520 Well, I just sort of ended up there, really. 154 00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,600 You don't just sort of end up in Cairo. 155 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,140 No, look, after I left Julie, I felt a bit down, obviously. 156 00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:25,390 She's happy enough, and I wasn't exactly turned down. Didn't feel like coming 157 00:11:25,390 --> 00:11:27,090 home, so I went on a Mediterranean cruise. 158 00:11:27,510 --> 00:11:29,170 Oh, the logical thing to do, obviously. 159 00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:32,210 Thanks for phoning to let us know. 160 00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:33,930 Well, it was all a bit of a rusty. 161 00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:39,230 So, you cruised to Cairo? No, portside, actually, but there was this excursion 162 00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:41,110 to Cairo, and I thought it might be a good idea. 163 00:11:41,590 --> 00:11:43,190 Better than finding a telephone. 164 00:11:44,450 --> 00:11:46,430 Hey, did you see the Sphinx? 165 00:11:47,190 --> 00:11:48,850 No. I met one, though. 166 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:52,180 Very enigmatic smile she had. 167 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,280 I sure her name was. 168 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,480 Here we go. 169 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,080 Was she descended in a direct line from Nefertiti? 170 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,880 No. She nicked all me credit cards. 171 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:07,960 Here I was, miles away from anywhere and penniless. So I took this job in a 172 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,360 nightclub. Doing the cabaret, presumably. 173 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,360 No. Hey, did they have any, you know... 174 00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:21,300 Jean, you know I'm interested in folklore. 175 00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:23,600 Oh, that's what they call it, is it? 176 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:29,120 About this nightclub, it must have had several phones where a person could 177 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:35,020 from. Yes, but Egyptian telecom is only slightly in advance of British telecom. 178 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,440 He doesn't say any more. 179 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:40,120 So how do you get home? Hire an Arab dhow. 180 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,820 You're as daft as he is. 181 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,290 Well, I must say, your welcome has cut me to the quick. 182 00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:51,550 Good night, Eric. 183 00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:55,090 You wait till you see Sandra. She'll probably cut your throat. 184 00:13:00,430 --> 00:13:00,850 May 185 00:13:00,850 --> 00:13:07,890 I 186 00:13:07,890 --> 00:13:08,890 have that back, please? 187 00:13:08,990 --> 00:13:12,290 Oh, for goodness' sake, Sandra, I've explained where I've been. I've told you 188 00:13:12,290 --> 00:13:13,290 what's happened. 189 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,180 Aren't you just the teeniest bit pleased to see me? 190 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,760 I'm glad you're not dead. 191 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,180 That's as far as I'll go. 192 00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:21,400 How can I be lost at sea? 193 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:22,960 You were lost at sea. 194 00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:25,640 Six weeks I've been trying to keep this place going. 195 00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:30,100 You try running a painter's and decorator's with nobody to do the 196 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,100 decorating. 197 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,260 It's like running a library with no books. 198 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,740 Putting off people here, putting off people there. 199 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,160 Well, no firm can do anything the very next day. 200 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,540 No, but they can at least give a hint when. 201 00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:42,130 What was I to say? 202 00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:45,190 He's disappeared off the face of the earth and I don't know when he's coming 203 00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:46,670 back. Well, you knew I'd be back. 204 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:47,649 Did I? 205 00:13:47,650 --> 00:13:49,690 Where would I glean that information from? 206 00:13:50,010 --> 00:13:51,990 Some of the language I've had to put up with. 207 00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,910 Anybody talks to you like that, Sandra, we don't work for them. 208 00:13:55,150 --> 00:13:56,750 We don't work for anybody anymore. 209 00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,710 You owe Jimmy an apology as well. 210 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:01,130 Who, your bloke? 211 00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:02,690 What have I done to him? 212 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:03,950 Ruined his evening. 213 00:14:04,350 --> 00:14:07,170 Oh, you didn't work evenings as well. No, I did not. 214 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,640 must have felt as though he was going out with a log of wood. 215 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,620 You've always been very stimulating company, Sandra. 216 00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:17,080 When I can keep me eyes open, yes. 217 00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,860 I've been whacked after a day in this place. 218 00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:22,520 Well, I wouldn't have minded if you'd taken on temporary staff. 219 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,540 And what would I have paid them with? The buttons off me blouse? 220 00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:27,420 You haven't been paid either, have you? 221 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,160 You're quick. 222 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,520 I'll make it up to you, Sandra, with a big fat bonus. 223 00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,040 From what? From the business. 224 00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:34,300 What business? 225 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:35,920 You're finished. 226 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:37,560 Blosh has... 227 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,620 Good morning, Splosh. 228 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:49,000 Well, yes, I'm terribly... This company's name is either Mud or a 229 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,760 Stock. And I'm giving you two weeks' notice. 230 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,860 Oh, come on, Sandra, don't be hasty, please. 231 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,780 I've had six weeks to think about it. 232 00:14:57,260 --> 00:14:58,900 I've got my own life to live. 233 00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:01,360 I'm supposed to be saving up to get married. 234 00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:06,240 I need a steady job with a steady income and a steady boss. 235 00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:09,140 I'd like to be Sandra, but I think I'd die boredom. 236 00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:11,540 Thanks for hanging on as long as you did. 237 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,240 We're me. 238 00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:15,540 I wouldn't have done it for anybody else. 239 00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:18,180 Where are you going? 240 00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:21,260 Lunch. I haven't had one for six weeks. 241 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,480 You have a go. 242 00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:34,060 Good morning. 243 00:15:37,390 --> 00:15:38,810 Well, that's very intemperate language. 244 00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:41,069 Hold on. 245 00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:44,090 I've painted it myself now, so stick that up your pipe. 246 00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:45,750 Thank you. 247 00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:49,450 Hello? 248 00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:51,530 Hello? 249 00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:57,970 Hello, Lidley. 250 00:15:58,130 --> 00:15:59,130 Hello, Charles. 251 00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:01,370 Hello, Jacko. Well, what can I do you for? 252 00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,250 Me? Nothing. It's Giles who wants to see you. Oh, well, sit yourselves down. 253 00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:14,720 Yes. Well, the thing is, I feel peculiar. 254 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960 Something you hate? 255 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,880 No. Awkward is a better word. 256 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:26,960 In the army, you see, one generally expresses oneself by one's pips and 257 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:32,360 But when one's in mufti, the other chap... Well, he's another chap. 258 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,540 And it's not a straight road, you see. 259 00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:37,400 Well, I understand what you mean, Charles. 260 00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:38,569 Do you? 261 00:16:38,570 --> 00:16:40,330 I haven't got a faintest idea what you're talking about. 262 00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:41,730 Ah. 263 00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:43,090 Hmm. 264 00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:46,530 Giles is deeply concerned about his investment in your company. 265 00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:50,330 Oh. Not deeply concerned, Leslie. 266 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,290 Just a touch worried. 267 00:16:52,490 --> 00:16:54,390 You said deeply concerned to me. 268 00:16:54,630 --> 00:16:55,569 Did I? 269 00:16:55,570 --> 00:16:59,710 Look, I can understand that you were concerned, Giles. Deeply. Deeply 270 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:04,180 And I do admit that the company's had a few minor problems of late. Like, you 271 00:17:04,180 --> 00:17:07,720 know, being here for six weeks? Yes, and I admit that the company's name, 272 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,720 Splosh, has got a bit mud -spattered lately. 273 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:15,420 But I do intend to put this company right back on its feet by changing its 274 00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:20,900 to something like, um, Dollop, and launching a whole new advertising 275 00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:23,660 Super! And how will you fund it? 276 00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:25,440 With your money! 277 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:27,520 Oh. 278 00:17:27,940 --> 00:17:28,980 I've blown it, haven't I? 279 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:31,559 I wouldn't say that. 280 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:32,559 Yes, you would. 281 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,780 I'll tell you what I'll do, Giles. 282 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:37,620 I'll sell the whole shebang and I'll give you all your money back. 283 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:38,880 Go on. 284 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,220 Oh, this is awful. 285 00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,940 It's like court -martialing somebody. 286 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,860 Well, as long as you don't rip the buckles off me dungarees. 287 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,200 Thanks for everything, Giles. No hard feelings. 288 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:50,720 You've been a brick. 289 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,720 One is brought up to be a brick, but it's awfully nice to be called one. 290 00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,200 Charles, 291 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,580 do you mind if I have a quick word with Leslie, please? 292 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,860 Oh, yes, of course. 293 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,980 I'll just go and count some railings. 294 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,840 I know what you're going to say. 295 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,700 Right, so we'll take the swear words as read then, shall we? Now, why did you 296 00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:18,980 put Charles up to it, Leslie? 297 00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:22,860 Spike? And there's me thinking that you and I are going through one of our less 298 00:18:22,860 --> 00:18:23,860 hostile phases. 299 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,240 Nothing personal. 300 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,100 I just wanted to put you out of business. 301 00:18:28,319 --> 00:18:29,520 Oh, that's all right, then. 302 00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:31,680 Daddy's company is all I've got. 303 00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:33,100 It's all Mummy's got. 304 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,160 No, it's all you've got, Leslie, yes. 305 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,680 Well, it's one less competitor. 306 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,120 I have to think of my financial security now. 307 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,600 Well, I don't see how that applies. Not when you're being subsidised by Giles, 308 00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:43,720 who owns half of Hampshire. 309 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,000 Yes, well, that might not be permanent. 310 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,800 I thought you and him were going to get married. 311 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:49,100 He's very sweet. 312 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,120 But there's not a lot of steel there. 313 00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:52,920 You should marry a line tamer. 314 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,500 I might not marry anybody. 315 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,480 And if I don't, who's going to look after me with Daddy gone? 316 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,060 Well, who's going to look after me with my business gone, eh? 317 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,480 Oh, you'll be all right. You'll bounce back. 318 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,720 You're a survivor. 319 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,160 Well, I have to be with people like you around, Leslie. 320 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,400 I'm sorry. 321 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,400 You know those little insects on the top of ponds? 322 00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:18,180 Waterboatmen. Yeah. 323 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,880 They're like us, really, aren't they? 324 00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:23,000 We flit about a lot and never really penetrate the surface. 325 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,680 In another life, we could have been made for each other. 326 00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,500 Well, not necessarily, Leslie. 327 00:19:28,820 --> 00:19:29,820 I could have been a girl. 328 00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:43,520 I don't know how you can do it. 329 00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:45,059 Do what? 330 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,160 I don't know how you can just lie there like that. 331 00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:50,300 Well, it's easy. You pick your feet off the floor and you swing them off the end 332 00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:51,300 of the chair. 333 00:19:52,460 --> 00:19:53,460 Her father sleeps. 334 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:54,820 I was just saying, Eric. 335 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,200 I don't know how he can just lie there like that. 336 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,860 You should be worrying yourself sick. 337 00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:02,960 You going to come out of this with anything left over? 338 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,580 Oh, yeah. Mind you, I've got to bring Sandra's wages up to date and give her a 339 00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:08,580 big fat bonus. 340 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,580 I haven't forgotten that I still owe rent here. 341 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,220 I never mentioned rent. 342 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,300 No? Well, what was it, the first word you put on the board when we were 343 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,300 Scrabble this morning? 344 00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:20,120 Oh, don't make me feel rotten. 345 00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:25,050 Who will you end up with, Jacko? 346 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,850 I'll have this part of the tidy few, Bob. 347 00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:31,170 And you're just sitting there reading about Charlton Athletic? 348 00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:32,990 I'm not, as a matter of fact. 349 00:20:33,810 --> 00:20:35,410 I moved on to Steve Davis. 350 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:40,530 You know, I sometimes wonder whether you and I are of the same flesh and blood. 351 00:20:40,590 --> 00:20:42,810 I just don't know what makes you tick. 352 00:20:43,050 --> 00:20:43,709 No, Jean. 353 00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:48,030 See, his attitude derives from a simple difference in gender. 354 00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:52,970 You see, a man faced with a crisis very often adopts her. 355 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,740 A devil -may -care attitude. 356 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,320 I know I do. 357 00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:02,700 One payment we missed on the television and you had stomachache for three days. 358 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,840 That's because I ate some of the kids' Play -Doh. 359 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,860 I thought it was marzipan. 360 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,000 Oh, by the way, I forgot. 361 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,400 These came for you, too. 362 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:28,240 You were cordially invited to a champagne buffet at the Chanticleer 363 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,700 403, 8pm Friday. 364 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,400 But I... Well, it doesn't say. 365 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,400 Well, a champagne buffet, eh? 366 00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:36,940 Well, I'll have some of that. Yeah, so will I. 367 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:38,680 You're not going. 368 00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:41,780 Why not? 369 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:43,900 Because we can't afford it. 370 00:21:44,180 --> 00:21:45,620 Where does it say we pay? 371 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,780 Oh, use your nod, Eric, do. 372 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,100 It's obvious what it is. 373 00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:51,660 They're after your money. 374 00:21:52,430 --> 00:21:58,090 It'll be a glass of sparkling wine, a sausage on a stick, and give us 100 quid 375 00:21:58,090 --> 00:22:00,130 for a signed print by some unknown artist. 376 00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:01,510 Special offer. 377 00:22:01,610 --> 00:22:03,590 Only 50 million copies available. 378 00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:06,810 You're getting very cynical in your old age, Jean. 379 00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:08,550 Well, what else could it be? 380 00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:12,490 Well, it could be some Arab sheik wanting a couple of blokes to paint his 381 00:22:12,550 --> 00:22:15,910 eh? No, it's either selling or some sort of promotion. 382 00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:17,430 What promotion? 383 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:26,360 A lot of so -called models wearing little more than a sash pushing some new 384 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,360 product. 385 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,640 Still, it's not as if we're doing anything on Friday. 386 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:33,120 You will be. 387 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,440 What? 388 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,740 Well, I don't know yet. 389 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,920 Well, it looks like I'll have to go for the both of us, Eric. 390 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,880 Oh, that typical you, that is. 391 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,240 You should be thinking about where you go from rock bottom, not going off on 392 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,940 some magical mystery tour. 393 00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:50,750 Who dares win, Jean? 394 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,170 That's the SAS. 395 00:22:52,530 --> 00:22:53,850 How do you know I'm not in it? 396 00:22:54,830 --> 00:22:55,830 No women. 397 00:23:19,310 --> 00:23:20,029 Excuse me. 398 00:23:20,030 --> 00:23:22,410 Are you headed for suite 403? 399 00:23:22,690 --> 00:23:24,390 Why? What's happening in suite 403? 400 00:23:24,610 --> 00:23:26,150 Well, I don't know till we get there. 401 00:23:26,390 --> 00:23:27,690 How crew can you get? 402 00:23:28,030 --> 00:23:29,430 Well, how crew do you want me to be? 403 00:23:53,139 --> 00:23:56,120 Champagne. And some, um, some of them things. 404 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,760 Well, what do you think? Not bad for a temporary gaffe, is it? 405 00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,640 What have you done, Wonderballs? 406 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,920 No, I made it big down under. 407 00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:07,780 Oh, you actually went to Australia then? 408 00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:10,040 Yeah, well, I bought the beach bar, hadn't I? 409 00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:13,040 Incidentally, you want to brush up on your geography. 410 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:15,600 Ali Springs is not on the coast. 411 00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:16,699 Isn't it? 412 00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:21,590 No. No, miles from anywhere it is. Bloody desert as far as the eye can see. 413 00:24:21,930 --> 00:24:24,530 So how come all this affluence then? A lot of passing trade? 414 00:24:24,850 --> 00:24:30,390 Trade? I only had two customers in a week. One was in a tempering society and 415 00:24:30,390 --> 00:24:33,310 all the other one wanted was a drink of water for his camel. 416 00:24:33,610 --> 00:24:37,550 So what did you do, rob a stagecoach? No, I sold up at a loss. 417 00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:38,810 I'm no fool. 418 00:24:39,210 --> 00:24:41,890 I pitched a lift to Wongabara. 419 00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:42,909 Where's that? 420 00:24:42,910 --> 00:24:43,910 God knows. 421 00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:47,700 Um... Have some caviar. Oh, sure. 422 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,020 Oh, there's caviar. 423 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,920 But what did you think was caviar? 424 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,280 Oh, these. 425 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,860 No, well, no, they're quail's eggs. 426 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,840 I thought they were a bit big for a fish to eat. 427 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,020 Look, come on, come on. So you went to Wanda Ross's name, right? 428 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:10,540 You've sold the bar in the desert and you don't know where you are. Right. 429 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,860 So I end up in his pub. 430 00:25:13,210 --> 00:25:17,130 Having a drink with this bloke called Mad Jack Halloran. What made him mad, 431 00:25:17,210 --> 00:25:19,510 Elmo? People not believing him, mate. 432 00:25:20,130 --> 00:25:21,890 I'm no fool, I did. 433 00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:24,630 Became partners that same night. 434 00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:26,090 So what did you become partners in? 435 00:25:26,430 --> 00:25:33,390 Gold prospecting. Ah, right, so Elmo Putney and Mad Jack Halloran set off in 436 00:25:33,390 --> 00:25:34,390 search of gold. 437 00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:35,590 No, no, there were four of them. 438 00:25:35,950 --> 00:25:38,630 He had his mule and I, of course, had my dog. 439 00:25:38,890 --> 00:25:43,150 Right, so this highly scientific expedition actually found gold? 440 00:25:43,410 --> 00:25:46,570 Not a sniff of it. We found opals instead. 441 00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:52,470 Opals? Yeah, it's sort of shiny jewel with all kind of coloured flexes. I know 442 00:25:52,470 --> 00:25:53,750 what an opal is, Elmo. 443 00:25:54,310 --> 00:25:56,770 How did you find them? The dog did. 444 00:25:56,970 --> 00:26:01,870 He went off to do his doings, come back with an opal in his mouth. 445 00:26:02,380 --> 00:26:04,580 They're very close to the surface, you see. 446 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,440 If it's that easy, Elmo, I don't know what all the fuss is about. 447 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:08,640 Well, neither do I. 448 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:10,740 So here you are, then. 449 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,000 Largest life and opal rich. Yeah. 450 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:17,580 I know some people around here used to think I was tough and short of a 451 00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:21,540 shilling, but I've obviously got a brilliant business mind, haven't I? 452 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,440 Well, having a dog that can find opals, Elmo, you must have. 453 00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:27,880 Anyway, where is the pooch with the magic touch? 454 00:26:28,220 --> 00:26:30,840 Is he in quarantine? No, he's stayed on. 455 00:26:31,260 --> 00:26:32,500 He married a dingo. 456 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,640 So what are you doing now? You on a world cruise? 457 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,960 No, I've come back for good. 458 00:26:39,300 --> 00:26:40,580 Got homesick. 459 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:41,920 Missed the rain. 460 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,920 Missed the cultural life of London. 461 00:26:44,540 --> 00:26:48,340 Missed a decent warm beer. And what's more, I'll miss me mates. 462 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,480 You're talking a witch, where's Eric? 463 00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:53,140 Oh, he couldn't make it, Elmo. He's in detention. 464 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:54,719 What's he done? 465 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,080 He rubbed Jean up the wrong way. 466 00:26:57,710 --> 00:27:00,850 So what are you going to do now? Get yourself another dog and go prospecting 467 00:27:00,850 --> 00:27:01,870 diamonds in Hyde Park? 468 00:27:02,130 --> 00:27:04,430 No, no. No dog could replace Derek. 469 00:27:05,690 --> 00:27:07,650 For me, how have you been, Jack? 470 00:27:07,950 --> 00:27:11,030 How's business? How's splosh? How's splosh, Elmo? 471 00:27:11,350 --> 00:27:13,510 Well, that's slowly sinking into the west. 472 00:27:13,970 --> 00:27:15,130 I've got to sell the business. 473 00:27:15,490 --> 00:27:16,490 Oh, dear. 474 00:27:16,590 --> 00:27:18,810 Well, I haven't got your business acumen, you see. 475 00:27:19,070 --> 00:27:20,029 No, no. 476 00:27:20,030 --> 00:27:21,510 Hang about. Hang about. 477 00:27:21,910 --> 00:27:23,290 It's happening to me again. 478 00:27:23,730 --> 00:27:24,429 What is? 479 00:27:24,430 --> 00:27:25,450 I'm sparking. 480 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,120 You're not plugged into anything, are you? 481 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,460 No ideas. 482 00:27:29,060 --> 00:27:34,160 Look, I buy Splosh and you can run it for me. Of course, we'd have to change 483 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,820 name to something like, I don't know, Elmo Putney's Painting Firm. 484 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:39,979 It's catchy. 485 00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:42,400 I'll top any offer you've got. Pay terrific wages. 486 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:43,960 Me work for you? 487 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,940 Yeah. I'll tell you what, Elmo, let me think about it, eh? 488 00:27:47,140 --> 00:27:48,140 Yeah, of course. 489 00:27:48,540 --> 00:27:51,220 Do you know, there's a tip there is that's in business. 490 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,520 Never rush into things. 491 00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:55,140 I'll remember that. 492 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:56,840 Well, so long, old friend. 493 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,980 Going? We've got all that lot to get through. 494 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:01,500 What, just the two of us? 495 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:06,700 Well, I did send out 50 invitations, but you're the only one that turned up. Oh, 496 00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:07,940 don't go, Jacko. 497 00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:10,000 No. Of course not, Elmo. 498 00:28:10,460 --> 00:28:11,460 Come on, let's get in. 499 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:16,480 Right. 500 00:28:21,540 --> 00:28:23,020 They hardly can have a get now. 501 00:28:30,710 --> 00:28:32,490 I like you on the camera! 502 00:28:57,260 --> 00:28:58,900 Because of you. 503 00:29:00,820 --> 00:29:03,520 Because of you.